Family culture

I’ve been doing a bit of thinking recently about having a family culture. I realised that in 3-4 years, MissK10 will be 13 or 14, and probably getting rather independent. But I want to make sure she is safe, comfortable talking to me and Rebecca, and has good values instilled in her to help her make the right decision. This isn’t just about her, it’s about all my kids, but as she’s the oldest, she’s going to get to this stage first.

So Rebecca and I have decided to sit down sometime soon and discuss what we would like to see happen. Obviously our kids will have to make their own decisions, however I hope that we have been a good influence on them before this happens. I would like to think that we have taught our kids values that will prepare them for making the right decisions to do with boy/girl-friends, being able to stand up for what they believe is right, sticking with their convictions etc.

This sounds like it should be easy for Rebecca and I to discuss what our family ‘culture’ will/should be, however we were brought up in very different ways with some different values. So there could be some compromise, discussion (perhaps heated) going on to decide on what stand we will take.

I think ages 13 and 14 is too late to start doing this. Values need to be instilled at a young age, and we’ve been doing this with our kids. However, they haven’t yet had to make difficult decisions other than should I yell/scream at my sibling because I don’t like what they are doing?! We can only do so much as parents, but if we don’t make an effort we will regret it. At least by doing this, when our kids make wrong decisions in the future we can say that it was their choice and we did what we could. We won’t leave them out to dry – we will still support them and help them, but they will have to deal with the consequences. I don’t want to be the reason for wrong decisions being made.

I’m INSANE!

There’s a saying (attributed to Albert Einstein) that goes something like this:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I think this means I’m insane.

Rebecca and I have been having a bit of a battle with MrJ6 and MrX4 recently over tidying their room. We send them off to tidy it and all they end up doing is fighting and arguing, fighting and arguing. What have we been doing? – going to referee battles, and often ending up frustrated and shouting at them to get their room tidy.

This has been going on day after day after day for this past week. We’ve managed to get their room tidy most days, but only after serious yelling and stroppiness – particularly by me!

Well, this was happening again this morning, when suddenly I had a brain wave. Maybe I should try something quite different. This is what I did…

I went into their room and stopped a fight (again). I split up the mess in the room roughly in half. I told MrJ6 to put away all of one half, and sent MrX4 out to do whatever he wanted. Once MrJ6 was finished, they swapped. MrX4 went to tidy and MrJ6 went to play.

And what do you know? It worked! Within about 30 minutes their room was tidy, and they were happy because the fighting had ended. And of course Rebecca and I were also happy as we didn’t have to deal with the problem anymore!

It was so simple, but because I had been getting so frustrated, I had difficulty coming up with new ways of dealing with the situation. Sometimes it’s important to step back from the problem and look at it from another perspective. It certainly saves you from insanity!

- Nathaniel

Rather you than me!

Whenever people find out I have five children, the most common comment I get is “Gee, you must be really busy.” (see my response here) The second most common comment I get is “Rather you than me!”

I’m not really sure why people feel the need to tell me that. It’s not any of my business what family size suits you. I firmly believe we all have a number of children that is just right for our individual temperaments and personalities. For some, that is none. Most seem to suit 2 or 3 children. Not everyone wants a larger family and that is fine too.

I feel very blessed that my perfect number was also Nathaniel’s perfect number, and also that we were able to have that number of children. I realise not everyone is so fortunate, and my heart aches for you.

 

- Rebecca

The art of lazy parenting

Whenever people find out I have five children, the most common comment I get is “Gee, you must be really busy.” (the second most common comment I get is “Rather you than me!” but that’s irrelevant to the subject of this particular blog post ) Well, actually, I’m not a busy mum. I’m a lazy mum.

Yes, a bigger family means a bigger workload but I refuse to do everything myself. I try to model the attitudes and behaviours I expect from them. I make sure they have a (relatively) clean house to live in, food to eat and clean clothes to wear. I referee arguments, reward initiative and good behaviour and discipline bad behaviour. That’s enough, really.

As a result of such lazy parenting, my children will find their own interesting activity when its time to play. They take turns and share quite well (although that last part is age dependant, as obviously MissK10 is going to be better at that than MissC1!) They are polite and well-spoken, usually respectful of each other, and have been known to comfort one another when a game goes wrong and someone has been hurt. They are getting better at helping me around the house – MissK10, MrJ6 and MrX4 will respond positively when asked to help me accomplish household chores, and MrJ3 & MissC1 are learning from their example. They help each other accomplish all manner of tasks, work together as a team to finish jobs, and generally are better behaved collectively when we are out somewhere than they are at home.

Don’t get me wrong – my children are not perfect. There are arguments, tantrums, bad attitudes, physical attacks, and lots of sulking, and that’s just while we get ready for school and kindy in the mornings. I find myself telling someone to “Stop being a pest!” far too often (where being a pest is defined as deliberately teasing or winding up a sibling beyond their ability to cope) and I resort to chocolate to soothe my frustration when the noise just will not stop.

Overall, however, I am quietly proud of how well they are all turning out and I am looking forward to meeting the adults they will become.

- Rebecca